Last night, I finally set down my red pen (yes, I do actually like to use a red pen) on the printed “Draft 0” of my novel, which I’ve spent the last couple of months revising. Since the story is the result of NaNoWriMo 2020, where my one rule as I was writing was “don’t look back,” there was certainly a lot to go through. I added some depth to my main character and tweaked her motivations. I tried to flesh out the supporting characters more, to give them their own stories. I inserted ways to weave the Big Baddie more deliberately through my “whodunit” plot threads so everything makes more sense during the Big Reveal. I made copious notes on things to fact check.

Now, of course, the real work begins. I did all my initial revisions by hand because it’s how I prefer to edit my creative writing, particularly longer pieces — no doubt a holdover from my grad school days, when we all arrived to workshop class with paper copies of peer-reviewed stories to give back to their authors with our notes written in the margins (if I recall, I deliberately used any color pen that wasn’t red to avoid stressing anyone out). As I sit here with my marked-up 120-page manuscript + a notebook of additional notes, I know the next step is to sit in front of my computer screen and shape this novel into something I feel at least marginally confident enough to show another human being (i.e., my beta reader(s) who will provide me with the first external impressions of my story).

Oof.

In a 2017 guest column posted on Writer’s Digest, seven strategies were discussed for revising a novel. The first, fittingly for my current feelings, is “Embrace the doubt.” It’s hard to commit to something creative, because creativity usually demands an audience. Sure, you create for yourself, but isn’t it great when you really love what you’ve done and want nothing more than to share your creation with your community (friends, family, unsuspecting neighbors out walking their dogs)? Yeah, I’m not there yet. I’ve written a novel, I feel like it has potential or I wouldn’t be spending so much time on it, I love it, but boy oh boy do I also not want it to see the light of day.

I think that other writers, at least, can relate to this dichotomy of feeling, and I know from experience that the only way out is through. I have simultaneously looked forward to and dreaded every single workshop I’ve ever been part of, be it academic or casual, an entire classroom or just a few good friends. When it’s just me and my computer, my story is safe! Once I let it out into the world, even under heavy supervision, who knows what sorts of trouble it might get into? It’s a jungle out there! (Why yes, I am a parent, why do you ask?)

Suffice to say, I am celebrating my win (I accomplished one more task on my way to trying to get this novel published!) while also breathing a sigh of relief that there is still a lot of work to do before “Draft 1” is complete and I have to actually consider handing it off to someone else to read.

We’ll get there, my story and I.